Two examples

Here are two very different examples of proofread work that you would receive from me.  The first shows a  part of an extremely good essay that was marred by the writer’s English and the second a piece written by a native English speaker as part of his Cambridge entrance application.  They are very different forms of editing but both make a great deal of difference to the result.  If you wish you can let me know how minimal or extensive you want the editing to be.  You can also choose your colours!

(I return two versions of the edited work. The first shows all the corrections and if you choose you may accept or reject each change individually. The second shows a clean copy with starred notes at corrections which require particular attention. This may indicate a repeated mistake that has clearly been confusing the writer or it may be a useful hint about writing in English.)

.

Example 1)   English as a second language

Notice how, although the first example has a lot of corrections, the meaning of the passage isn’t altered at all.

.

Original piece:

Is foreign aid an effective way to support global development?

People often say that giving aid to  developing countries  is not good after a time   as they are likely  to be dependent and it means they will continue to need more money donated for a long time . In this essay I will see whether it is always because of the financial support or  an effect of the conditions of  the  aid packages. There are a lot of problems for both sides of the argument because  aid packages have lots of  strings attached which have done damage to the country who is receiving the money . This has been because   of structural adjustments they have to do for  the donor organisation or through other unallowed  exploitation such as rent-seeking. After this I have argued that it is much better instead  to focus on supporting the countries economy using subsidies, tariffs and taxes on foreign goods.

.

Edited copy with mark up:

Is foreign aid an effective way to support global development?

People  say   that giving aid to  It is often claimed that developing countries that receive aid is not good after a time may not benefit from this in the long run as they are likely liable to be dependent form a dependency and it means they will continue  to need more money donated for a long time needing aid indefinitely. In this essay I will see*(1) whether it is always because of the financial support or explore whether this is an inevitable consequence of financial support or an effect of the conditions of  the attached to aid packages. There are a lot of problems for There are a variety of issues involved on both sides of the argument becauseas aid packages have lots of come withmany strings attached which have done damage to the country who is receiving the money can be detrimental to development in the receiving country. This has been because  can be a result of structural adjustments they have to do for imposed by the donor organisation or through other unallowed unofficial exploitation such as rent-seeking. After this I have argued In the following section I argue that it is much better instead  more useful to focus on supporting the country’s countries economy using subsidies, tariffs and taxes on foreign goods.

*(1) It’s a convention in academic writing to use the present tense in the introduction when referring to the rest of the contents of an essay. It’s a useful rule of thumb in all forms of academic writing. 

.

Clean copy:

Is foreign aid an effective way to support global development?

It is often claimed that developing countries that receive aid may not benefit from this in the long run as they are liable to form a dependency and continue needing aid indefinitely. In this essay I explore*(1) whether this is an inevitable consequence of financial support or an effect of the conditions attached to aid packages.  There are a variety of issues involved on both sides of the argument as aid packages come with many strings attached which can be detrimental to development in the receiving country. This can be a result of structural adjustments imposed by the donor organisation or through unofficial exploitation such as rent-seeking. In the following section I argue that it is more useful to focus on supporting the country’s economy using subsidies, tariffs and taxes on foreign goods.

*(1) It’s a convention in academic writing to use the present tense in the introduction when referring to the rest of the contents of an essay. It’s a useful rule of thumb in all forms of academic writing.

(Published with kind permission from Maria Poblete Garcia, student from Ecuador please see my Recommendation Page for her comments about the work.)

.

Example 2)  Correcting careless mistakes

The piece below is part of a Cambridge application by a native English speaker.  There has been little editing on this piece  but it is still effective in correcting careless mistakes in an important piece of work – which the writer thought he had checked through very thoroughly.  (The colours used for the correction are a function of this site.)

Both playwrights are careful to keep the spectacle of any sexual titillation away from the stage.  Ibsen deliberately omits the performance of the Tarantella but chooses instead to promote show the power and possession that Helmer takes from Nora – “when I [he, Torvald] am out with you [her, Nora] among other people” – and, from his subsequent advances, implies*(1)  how this equates to sexual attraction.  Shaw emphasises states *(2) in his Author’s Apology that‘ … I have spared no pains to make known that my plays are built to induce, not voluptuous reverie but intellectual interest, not romantic rhapsody but humane concern”(26), emphasising his desire for the theatre to address injustice and create a forum for social emancipation(27).

 *(1)Although grammatically correct this sentence is a bit confusing , so I have added  ‘implies’ made it make it clearer

 *(2)This avoids repetition with  ’emphasing’ half way through the sentence

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s